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I am more reluctant to judge others. You will come across other stepmoms who can't stop raving about how wonderful their relationships are with their stepchildren. You and your husband need to be each other's refuge, particularly when you're having issues with your children or stepchildren. Divorce is one of the most devastating things a person will ever go through, and no one needs to hear from you how the ex-wife is handling it, or how her kids are acting out in the aftermath. Remember number one? I would change a lot of things I did as a stepmother if I could go back in time, but I wouldn't give up my blended family. I really, really, really needed to hear that.
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If you've got to let it out, limit your thoughts to a very close, trusted friend, or even better, tell it to your counselor or therapist. You may agree -- you may disagree. Which brings us to number three. Protect your marriage at all costs. In retrospect, that was a HUGE mistake. You are not their mother. Image via Zaman Babu/Flickr Creative Commons. Maybe you even think your husband is to blame, because he always seems to take their side.
You can have a meaningful, loving, influential relationship with your stepchildren, but it will be different from that between a mother and child. We live in a world where everyone loves to vent, whether it's on Facebook, over the phone, or during a girls night out, but take it from me -- no one likes to hear a stepmother vent about her husband's ex or her stepkids. To be fair, things started out great. I thought it was all my fault, and I was so ashamed at my failure that for years, I didn't tell anyone what was going on. And in the end, that's what matters. "They told me they think of me as their REAL MOM! " For me, that changed everything. Going to see a counselor helped me stop beating myself up and allowed me to realize that what we were experiencing was actually NORMAL. It wasn't until a few years ago that I confided my feelings of failure to a counselor, who promptly informed me that what my family and I were experiencing was actually very, very common. I've had several big reasons to steer clear of the topic. Or maybe you think your marital problems are all your stepkids' fault. You can tell from a quick glance at my blog bio that I'm a stepmother -- but I almost never write about it.
"They convinced the city to hold a parade in my honor! " Don't let it get you down. Four, and this was a biggie, I often felt like the world's worst stepmother. And who wants to write about that? We all have the potential to be amazing.
But then puberty happened. You can't change everyone else, but you can change yourself. There's almost always a honeymoon period, he said. More than 70% of blended family marriages fail. Do you know that I hear your exact same problems from nearly every blended family that comes in this room? Even if your husband has primary custody of the kids. Two, throughout most of the time I've been blogging, my stepdaughters were teenagers and they certainly didn't need or want me to be writing about them at that sensitive time in their lives. Today, time and counseling have given me some much-needed perspective, and now that my older girls very nearly on their own, I feel ready to write more about the subject on my blog -- which is good, I guess, because I get a lot of e-mails from stepmoms asking for advice. Work on that, and hope that your efforts inspire others in your family to try harder, too. That's theirs to tell, if they choose. And I had two small children of my own. Girl, you don't need a parade. We are all working toward that potential, in our own time and in our own way.
How did I not know this? Our family is still a work in progress, but the worst is behind us. A counselor can be wonderful at helping you do this. Please don't do what I did and spend years convincing yourself that something is very wrong with you because you seem to screw everything up. We've had many, many wonderful times together.
Don't play the blame game. Maybe you, like me, have spent too much time beating yourself up about your shortcomings as a stepmother. And the girls came to live with us seven days a week. I am gentler with myself. Stepmom, let's just get something straight right now. Embrace it, and make the most of it.
Now that I have raised my stepdaughters and had time to look back on the experience, I feel like I ran a gauntlet of tremendous emotional challenges and came across the finish line truly changed. I am a far better wife and mother than I would have been without my stepdaughters. I wish I had heard it a lot sooner, because I spent years trying to do a whole lot of fixing. You can't fix what you didn't break. My husband and I didn't visit a counselor until we'd been married eight years, which was a huge mistake. Do not make the mistake of believing in your heart that you have all the same rights and privileges as the woman who gave birth to them, because you don't. Even if their biological mother rarely sees them.
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